“To Be or Not to Be… A Size 0”

Written By Jonette O'Kelley Miller
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Disclaimer: “I am not a size 0.” Currently, I am a size 14.  This is not a ‘beat-down’ on those who are small-sized; this is simply my journey. Three years ago, my heart went out to the comedian-actress Leslie Jones, and most recently to the singer Bebe Rexha, who along with other female artists, have had to deal with being told they were ‘too big’ to have their gowns custom designed.

Back in the day, at my smallest in high school - I was a size 5, and back then, that was tiny. Actually, the clothing sizes for girls/women only went to a size 3 or, possibly a 2.  A size 0 didn’t exist. In the midst of the usual teenage drama, I listened to extended, covert familial pressure from well-meaning aunts, uncles, and cousins telling me I was “too skinny.”  Because of this my mid- and late teenage years were filled with reaching a self-imposed bar to weigh more than 100 pounds.

I finally passed that threshold (thanks in part to enjoying my "munchies" by eating whole pizzas by myself) as a freshman in college. The size of my clothes and personal weight lost out to my focusing on using theatre and dance to provoke social change. While I didn’t gain a lot of weight (that happened years later), along with my requisite college t-shirts and blue jeans, I dressed in, what we called “traditional” clothes; i.e., African-styled Lapas (material wrapped as skirts) and Grand Boubous (floor-length dresses) made with African prints and designs. My weight wasn’t an issue for me; social inequity in the world was.

Segueing from college into the ‘real’ world, I fulfilled my ambition to become an actress-dancer. Taking three dance classes a day every other day during the week was a dream. Weight? Clothes size? It didn’t matter! I was a machine! But also during that wondrous, heady, creative time, I started observing how differently women were treated depending on our ages and sizes (ethnicity is a whole other conversation). In going to auditions, if I wasn’t rejected outright, I would generally be told either by the stage manager, director or the director’s assistant that I was “cute,” or “pretty.” I was considered what was called ‘an ingenue,’ i.e. not necessarily innocent, but, young and fresh. However, I would also be told to wait somewhere until I was called on. It was if I was being told to go play with my dolls, and when the grown-ups were ready, they would call for me. I didn’t like that. Having others consider me nice looking didn’t outweigh the fact that as an artist I had a brain, could think for myself and had my own opinions.

By the time I got married in my late twenties and began transitioning from the ‘gypsy life,’ the magic number of 100 pounds had increased to 120. The size 5 of my high school years had gradually increased to a size 8-10 and soon to a solid 10. Within three years the number began moving upwards. I realized I had gained 10 pounds - weighed 130 - and evidently, wasn’t stopping. Even so, I was relatively smug because during the same three-year period my husband had gained three times as much weight (which he has since lost).  However, during this period I moved out of being considered an ‘ingenue’ to having ‘womanly’ status.  Suddenly, time spent going clothes shopping rather than being fun and ego-boosting was now full of angst and trepidation: “Will I find something that looks nice on me without looking like I’m wearing a tent?” “What are those bulges doing there?”  “It’s not supposed to fit like this.” 

The social backdrop to my inner turmoil came from the advent of the size “0.” Writers researching the history of fashion say the present day size 0 is equivalent to the historical size 2.  Pause and think about that for a moment: at one point in time the smallest measurement for women’s clothes was a “2.” Yet, now, currently, that measurement has decreased to actually NOTHING. If as, to quote Mao Zedong, “Women hold up half the sky,” what does that mean in our society? To be aesthetically pleasing, are we women supposed to vanish or fade into the background? Along with the covert messaging identifying models as ‘girls’ and top models as ‘big’ girls rather than as something else like ‘women,’ or ‘artists,’ I recognized a continuing patriarchal display of power and manipulation that relegated the female of the species to a position of weakness and subservience. If we’re not ingenues, the perception of us as women can be eerily similar to the lowest positions held by women in The Handmaid’s Tale.

Why would the definition of a female child — dependent, young and vulnerable, be used as the popular identifier for those presenting the ultimate in feminine attire? Why would, or should the sizes of women and girls shrink down to nothing?  Zero, in any other facet of life, be it finance, school math, relationships —life in general; to have “0” is equal to having nothing. Zero is nonexistent. Yet, in western culture when it comes to determining the foundational ideal of beauty, we women and girls are called to lift up our eyes and strive to attain the size 0, or something close. Why, in the twenty-first century, do women have to figuratively ‘disappear’ in order to be considered beautiful? 

Purveyors of material culture and social media send contradictory messages. Questions of health notwithstanding, the debate is ongoing on both sides. In truth, some women-folk are tiny, yet strong, fit and healthy, and they are to be celebrated! Not for the smallness of their bodies, but for their vigor and vitality!  And, on the flip side it is recognized in some cultures, a fleshy woman - one with ‘meat on her bones’ is the quintessential model for desire. 

Whether or not I choose at some point, to release some of my weight, I prefer to define my value, not by my body parts, nor my size (nor my age). For me, my beauty is not determined by my ‘disappearing,’ but by my mind and my heart.  I prefer to ‘occupy’ and appear fully in my own space.

References

Jonette O'Kelley Miller
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